Easter Sunday

Like me, I’m sure every one of you are practicing clean hygiene, social distancing, and sheltering in place, waiting for this whole Covid-19 to be over with.  All of our lives have suddenly been disrupted.  I’m hoping things go back to normal soon.

I’ve been reading how people are feeling restless, helpless, and hopeless during this time.  There are messages about blame, and hatred.  But there are also warm messages supporting the essential workers who are helping us stay alive and messages of love.  It’s interesting how people react when under pressure, especially how the ugly side just naturally come out.  It’s human nature, and we are far from being perfect.

The one positive message that has been going around is the message of hope.  That might be what most of us are still holding on to to keep us sane.  I’m holding on to hope; I know that’s the key when I feel like giving up.  So where is my hope?  My hope is in my Savior, the one who died for me.

Easter has become the most meaningful holiday for me.  Without the message of the cross and Christ’s resurrection, I know I wouldn’t have survived this long since my sister passed away.  Every day I hold on to the hope that I will see her again.

I’m grateful during my times of despair, God gives me reasons to keep going and provides me refuge.  When I felt lost and alone, fellowship and my home church introduced me to Him.  When family life became unbearable, God sent a friend who became a part of my family.  When I felt trapped, college life freed me.  When I felt helpless at home, Taiwan became my sheltering place.  When my life was missing laughter and love, God brought me my husband to make me feel alive again.  When my life felt aimless, reconnecting with a dear brother gave me purpose.  He helped me realize what I should be doing with the gift God has given me.

God gave me the ability to put words in writing, and a gift of telling stories.  Thus, writing has become my creative outlet and screenwriting my storytelling platform.  This journey is still pretty new to me and I still have lots to learn.  But I know I’m doing what I’m meant to be doing when I feel joy doing it, and when my writing gets noticed.  I know I’m becoming a better writer and I’m making progress.  I’m excited that my TV pilot made it to the quarterfinals of a prestigious screenwriting fellowship.  It is 1 out of the 856 scripts  from almost 3000 submissions moving forward.  I have something to look forward to and I’ve found a purpose.

I hope you find a purpose too, something to hope for, to live for.  If one thing is worth knowing, it’s this:

Rejoice, because there is a God who loves you enough to send His only son to die for you.  He not only died, but he resurrected and conquered over death.  He is a living God.  And he died for you.  That’s how much He loves you.  And all He asks is that you believe, and believe that He has a wonderful plan for your life, the very best in mind.

EASTER JOY

Jesus came to earth,
To show us how to live.
How to put others first,
How to love and give.

Then He set about His work,
That God sent Him to do;
He took our punishment on Himself;
He made us clean and new.

He could have saved Himself,
Calling angels from above.
But He chose to pay our price for sin;
He paid it out of love.

Our Lord died on Good Friday,
But the cross did not destroy
His resurrection on Easter morn
That fills our hearts with joy.

Now we know our earthly death,
Like His is just a rest.
We’ll be forever with Him
In Heaven, where life is best.

¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16 NIV)

Birthday Reflection – My Dream And Passion

My birthday is coming up.  I don’t celebrate my birthday much but it is always a time of reflection for me.  I am a year older but I am still learning about life.  And God still works in mysterious ways.

I’ve shared that many people came into my life, but many also walked out.  I remember reading somewhere about reasons why people enter your life.  They come for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  The people that enter your life never enter by accident.

When someone enters your life for a reason, they come to assist you through a difficulty, provide you with guidance and support.  They are there for a reason you need them to be.  But this relationship will come to an end, by them walking out, or them dying, or by lost connection and their work is done, our need has been met.

When someone enters your life for a season, these people bring you an experience, they help you share, grow or learn.  These relationships teach you something, but only for a season in your life.

Then there are the people who come for a lifetime.

I didn’t think the people that passed away were people that only came into my life for a reason.  But because of them leaving, either my life took a different path, or I learned valuable lessons.

After my sister passed away, I learned about her heart for the lost and her desire to share the gospel.  That’s when I started going on mission trips.   My first missions trip, I went to Tijuana with my home church.  The second time, to Taiwan with a friend from college who was leading the group.  If it wasn’t for that missions trip, I wouldn’t have decided to take up an internship to Taiwan that wrote a new chapter in my life.

As for three friends who were a part of my life growing up but passed away, I learned what it means to be a true friend.  I’m just sad that it took me losing them to realize this, and I just wished I could have been better friends to them.

Unison fellowship and the church I grew up in were important for a part of my life.  There were definitely a lot of laughs and a lot of memories.  I don’t think I would have survived my teenage and young adult years without this group of friends.  But it was also the first time I learned that friends can let me down.  I learned a lot about friendships because of these people.  And growing up in the church taught me principles to help me make the better decisions in life.  I wouldn’t be where I am today without that.  But life took us all on different paths, and people walked out.  It took me a long time to accept the fact that these friends I grew up with in church were only meant to last for a season of my life.

The people who are meant to come into my life for a lifetime, they are the people who truly have the greatest impact.

Middle of last year, I finally tracked down a long lost friend.  This person has been absent from my life for almost 25 years.  I didn’t expect him to re-enter my life, but like I said, God works in mysterious ways.

He was part of Unison fellowship, but before I graduated from high school, he disappeared.  I never forgot him though.  In fact, I felt a nudge telling me that I shouldn’t give up tracking him down.  I felt it for many years, and it took me many years because no one I knew kept in touch with him.  He’s not on social media and he doesn’t show up on any google search.  It was like he disappeared from the face of the earth.  But, when there’s a will, there’s always a way.

After many years, I finally found his brother who helped me reconnect with him.  It’s after talking to him all these months that I realize there are many reasons God brought his friendship back into my life.  He wasn’t meant to enter my life just for a season.

All of us had a dream or two growing up.  We probably still hold on to those dreams and might even have shared them with one or two people.  But in the end, we’re still just dreaming about them and we lack the courage to pursue them.

I had a dream too.  But life and its priorities told me I would be crazy to pursue it, especially if it means giving up security and a career that I have already built for myself.  By asking me three questions, this long lost friend reawakened my dream that I had buried deep inside.  He asked me, “What is my dream?  What am I passionate about?  Am I doing something I love?”

I found out he left his family and friends behind, gave up a stable career, sacrificed security and comfort, and is out on his own pursuing his dream.  He’s crazy for doing it, but he hasn’t regret it.  Why?  Because he is doing what he’s meant to be doing and he loves it.  I admire him for his courage and determination to pursue his dream.

A new chapter is starting in my life right now because of his influence.  What he’s doing with his life is giving me the courage to pursue my dream and follow his footsteps.

As I approach my birthday, just thought I’d share a song I recently heard.
https://youtu.be/uFYDEg0xZIc

Wanna chase my dreams

All the fancy things

Still got passion in my bloodstream

Hope I’m not too late

Wanna make a change

Don’t want to waste my life away

Wanna chase my dreams

All the fancy things

Life is filled with surprise

I just wanna do the things I like

I hope you will also have the courage to chase after your dream and not feel like you’re wasting your life away.

⁴ If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done. (Ecclesiastes 11:4 LB/TLB)

Because I Matter!

Thanksgiving passed already, and Christmas is just a few days away.  Holidays are a great time to get together, see those close friends and family we haven’t spoken to in weeks, months, years.  At least that’s what I’ve always imagined it would be like for me.

Unfortunately, my holidays hasn’t been like this for many years now.  It’s been years since I’ve received an invitation to sit at the table and enjoy a meal with my parents and sister.

It hurts, realizing that your blood family doesn’t think of you.  Realizing that you aren’t important, you don’t matter to them anymore.  But that’s how my life has turned out to be like.  I might not be the only one who feels this way.  I’m sorry if you are feeling the same.

The good news: we still matter.  I still matter.  You still matter.  There is someone out there who thinks of me, remembers me, smiles down at me every single hour, every single moment.  He sees you too.

I am glad it was in God’s plan for me to know Him.  To know that I am His.  He is my loving father who cherishes His relationship with me, His daughter.  I matter to Him.  That’s why He created me.  He calls me by name.  He sent Jesus down to die for me.  That’s how much I matter to Him.

I am reminded of a song I heard a long time ago, the song that first inspired me to write a script for my church drama ministry.

“We Are The Reason” – David Meece

As little children
We would dream of Christmas morn
Of all the gifts and toys
We knew we’d find
But we never realized
A baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives

We were the reason
That He gave His life
We were the reason
That He suffered and died
To a world that was lost
He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

As the years went by
We learned more about gifts
The giving of ourselves
And what that means
On a dark and cloudy day
A man hung crying in the rain
All because of love, all because of love

I’ve finally found the reason for living
It’s in giving every part of my heart to Him
In all that I do every word that I say
I’ll be giving my all just for Him, for Him

He is my reason to live

If you’re having a difficult time going through this holiday season this year like me, remember this:

You and I are not here just to fill a space or to be a background character in someone else’s movie.  Nothing would be the same if you and I did not exist.  Every place we have ever been and everyone we have ever spoken to would be different without us.  We are all connected, and we are all affected by the decisions and even the existence of those around us.

God loves you and me!  Our life is precious to Him!  If no one else, we still matter to Him!

²⁹ Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.  ³⁰ And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. (Matthew 10:29-30 NIV)

I choose to forgive

It will be two months since my dad had his surgery.  He is recovering well physically.  He’s up and about, going out to eat, taking walks.  As to recovering from his stroke, acupuncture has helped.  He is talking in longer sentences, and is understanding mostly what we say to him.  He is able to communicate and express his opinions and is very aware of what goes on.  But he is still suffering from difficulties reading and writing.  He’s had his ups and downs.  I’ve spent a lot of alone time with him and we just talk.  For awhile, he was depressed and was ready to give up.  He told us to give up making him better.  But then he started improving.  Every time I go home, his condition improves.  Although he realizes he can only improve so much, he says he’s okay with it.  He says if he lives another 10 years this way, he’s grateful already.

I go home about once a week.  The decision to do so was difficult to make, but I don’t want to end up with regrets.  I’m glad to see my dad improving, and I know my mom likes the break.  But it’s been a very long two months.  I go home on Saturday morning, sit with my dad so my mom can do her own thing.  And when 5pm rolls around, I leave.  I feel relieved.  I feel drained every time I visit.  I find myself having to prepare myself mentally and emotionally every week.    It’s still difficult going home, seeing them, talking to them.

My relationship with my parents since getting married has been a one way street.  My husband and I do a lot for them.  We give a lot, but we don’t receive much in return.  We’ve been the one taking initiative in everything.  It’s exhausting after many years, and we’re tired of making effort when they don’t really care.

When I got married, I could have stayed in Taiwan since my parents didn’t approve of us.  But we wanted my parents to see that we are happy, and hoping to have a better relationship with them, I found a job here and we settled down.  After many years of effort to involve ourselves in their lives, things got better and our relationship was improving, or so we thought.  Then things started changing, and our relationship started falling apart.  My parents said things and did things that hurt me.  In the beginning, they made excuses to justify their actions, hoping to assure me.  Time healed my pain, but then they would hurt me again and again.  When I finally built enough courage to be open and honest and tell them how I felt and how they hurt me, they used verses from the Bible to justify their actions, saying what they do is according to God’s word.  That’s when the relationship shattered.

The God I know is a God of love.  He does not hurt us.  People hurt people.   And when two of the most important people in my life have hurt me so many times, that pain does not go away.

I’ve been trying to find understanding to why I still feel this way…I guess I’m not healed.  I don’t think I will ever be.  But I’ve been told I need to learn to forgive my parents.  When I decided to be there for my family when my dad got sick, I know I needed to forgive them, or else it would be very difficult.  Forgiving them hasn’t been easy; sometimes I still struggle because I can’t forget the hurt.  Forgiveness isn’t about forgetting.   It’s about letting go of the anger, and setting myself free to live in the present.  I think it’s a daily choice and a commitment.  But I know things are not the same anymore between my parents and I, and our relationship can’t go back to the way it was, because it takes two to reconcile and reconciliation is not possible if one doesn’t make an effort.  But I think I’m okay if there can’t be reconciliation; I do what I am comfortable with.   Out of obedience, I already chose to forgive.

³² Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32 NIV)

 

 

Out of my comfort zone

The day finally arrived when I left my comfort zone and moved into my college dorm.  It was a little exciting, but also a little scary.  When I settled in, my family left.  I still remember the first night going to bed in this unfamiliar place.  It was the first time I realize my sister isn’t sleeping next to me anymore.  My parents aren’t down the hall anymore.  I started feeling homesick already, but my roommate had a tougher time.  We ended up comforting each other that night.

Living in the dorms meant meeting new people and finding new friends.  It wasn’t easy, being an introvert.  It took a lot of guts for me to befriend someone.  I was fortunate enough to live in a dorm with a good number of people from all backgrounds, but of course I became friends with the Asians.  I guess there’s always a thing with befriending people within your own race…I figured I could relate to them better.  There was one group on the 3rd floor, and one group on the 1st floor of Gaia House of Tercero.

First couple of weeks was about finding classes and trying not to get lost, finding where I belong.  There was a Welcome Week on campus where all the freshman can find out what the campus has to offer.  I remember approaching a couple tables where the Christian fellowships are at.  I was eager to plug myself into a fellowship here, because it was something familiar to me.  I visited AACF, Intervarsity, and College English Fellowship a couple times.  I decided on CEF because I remember a sister I met at welcome week who was very kind and friendly.  She had sent me a personal invite to my campus mailbox to attend one of their fellowship meetings.  CEF was also associated with a church so it was similar to my home church.

Though I enjoyed CEF and DCCC, I had a hard time fitting in and felt awkward at times, because it was a big change that I was not comfortable embracing.  I didn’t know the people and couldn’t find my place in this group.  I only attended CEF and DCCC on weekends when I couldn’t go home.   And because I was able to go home often, I didn’t make any effort to fit in.  I escaped by finding rides home whenever possible to attend my home church and fellowship where I am comfortable.  And I realize on a subconscious level, I made sure I didn’t have any afternoon classes on Fridays so I could go home.  My mom and twin sister would visit me on Friday and have an early dinner in the DC before we head home for the weekend.  Dining common food wasn’t too bad because we were catered by Marriott at the time.  I gained a lot of weight that year.  On the weekends when my mom couldn’t come, I would ask friends who were going home for a ride.  A high school friend also offered to come up and pick me up to take me home often.

Freshman year staying in the dorms didn’t turn out too bad.  I remember the gatherings in our room to watch “Friends” because we had a TV, playing hide and seek to avoid that one person you didn’t want to see, the hangouts in other people’s room listening to their stash of music.  I also had meals on the 1st floor whenever a friend returned home to Oakland and came back with Hong Kong bbq items.   There were many times when I’d wake up and while walking to the bathroom, I’d find a girl from the room down one end of the hall slowing coming out of a guy’s room on the other end of the hall early in the morning.  You find out who’s dating who real fast.   I avoided my first kiss from a guy who tried to kiss me in the stairwell.  And to celebrate finishing our final exams, 6 girls decided to forgo sleep and drive 4 hours to Reno just to have breakfast at 2 a.m. in the morning and driving back right after.  Believe it or not, that was the wildest thing I did thus far (besides play hooky with friends during senior year in high school because of senioritis – who didn’t?).

Being away from home, I learned I needed to depend on God each day because no one else was around.  I started reading my Bible and praying every morning, seeking strength and wisdom for each day.  My quiet time became a routine.  By communion with God each day and seeking His guidance, He gave me new perspectives to life and I saw more of God’s creation and His beauty.  I could feel His presence with me for the first time.   This was why God wanted me away from home.  He wanted me away from my comfort zone to face my fears and the uncertainties together with Him beside me, not my family or my friends.  He wanted me to draw closer to Him, to know Him more, to depend on Him.  If I stayed at home, I wouldn’t have been placed in this position to learn and feel the need.

 

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  (Jeremiah 29:11)

 

 

Honor thy parents…

The next step after high school graduation is going to college.   This was what my parents taught me.   I didn’t argue with that or thought otherwise because I’ve been told to honor thy parents.  Deciding where to apply though wasn’t an easy decision for me.  I didn’t want to go to school too far away, but the thought of not having to stay at home was a dream too because I wanted an escape from home.   I struggled with choosing between family and my comfort zone or freedom and the unease of change.

As mentioned before, my parents fought a lot.  Not hearing them argue for two days would always be a welcomed surprise.  They weren’t physically abusive, but they were verbally abusive to each other.  I remember the scariest fight was so loud and intense that my mom actually took a pair of scissors and cut up all my dad’s shirts and ties.  But, as Christians, they don’t believe in divorce because you wouldn’t be a “good” Christian if you divorced.  So instead, they stayed married but took their anger and unhappiness out on each other.

I already knew I wanted to major in the sciences and hopefully apply to med school because I wanted to heal people.  Plus, it would make my parents so proud.  Because our church held a summer retreat at UC Davis before, I liked the campus and it was far enough that I would have to live on campus.  I also found out UC Davis has a Genetics major which can still pave the way to med school [for my parents sake] because it covered all the sciences.  Being a twin, I was always fascinated about how two people can be so alike and yet so different.  So applying to UC Davis was a definite.  But I also applied to colleges within driving distance from home, because I was insecure about leaving home and my friends.  I didn’t apply to UC Berkeley even though it was on everyone’s “must apply” list.  I actually thought I wouldn’t get in, so I didn’t want to receive that rejection letter.  I trusted that God would lead me to the college He planned for me so I kept my options opened.

Out of 4 colleges, I was accepted to 2.  It was either Santa Clara University or UC Davis.  Santa Clara University would mean I get to stay at home and commute to school everyday.  UC Davis means going away to attend college but still close enough that I could come home on the weekends if I felt homesick.  Though I received a scholarship from Santa Clara, I ended up attending UC Davis instead because it was a University of California and not a California State University or private university.  It was more prestigious according to my parents.

The thought of leaving home and going off to college became more and more scary as the countdown began.   Sure, I can’t wait to be away from home, but when reality sets in, I started to doubt if I made the right decision.  But accepting the fact that God wants me away at college, I surrendered my fears and anxiety and went.  It was also what my parents wanted me to do.  Now, I’m glad I went off to college.

“Honor your father and mother”–which is the first commandment with a promise– (Ephesians 6:2 NIV)

Teenage years, confusing years

 

Teenage years…I didn’t really understood mine.

My paternal grandfather was a pastor, so my dad is a Christian.  My mom was not a believer when they first met and I don’t have memories attending church when we lived in Taiwan.  It was coming here to the bay area that I remember going to church, attending Sunday School.

All three of us were pretty good growing up, never giving my parents much trouble.  Our family was very typical Chinese family.  There was a lot of obedience from the children towards the parents, but we didn’t share much.  I didn’t hear a lot of “I love you” spoken in our family.  We weren’t ones to express our feelings.  In fact, my parents fought a lot.   I couldn’t talk to my parents.

School came easy for me.  I got straight A’s every school year since entering middle school, which placed my name on many honor rolls and Student of the Month awards.  I received my first President’s Award For Educational Excellence signed by George H.W. Bush when I graduated from 8th grade.  Our wall at home were full of certificates and awards, mostly mine.  That continued throughout high school where I received my second President’s Award for Education Excellence signed by Bill Clinton.  I graduated with a GPA of 4.03.  I never let my parents worry about school or my grades.  They had issues already, I didn’t want to burden them more.

When I was 12 years old, I got baptized.  I got baptized because I was old enough and met the “qualifications” to baptism.   I knew the verse by heart: “For God so love the world that He gave his only Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16)  I acknowledged that I am a sinner, that I believe God sent Jesus to die on the cross for my sins and if I repent from my sins and accepted him as my personal Savior, I can go to Heaven and not to hell.  But that was it, no major life changing event.

When I was old enough, I finally started attending Friday night fellowship. I always looked forward to Friday nights and weekends because I could be at church and escape my parents’ arguments and fights.  My church friends helped me along my teenage years…I needed that.

I love my fellowship, Unison Fellowship.  We were a small group, and we were a very close group.  We did everything together and everyone got along great.  The youth counselors were approachable and relate-able.  I remember anticipating for the first one of us to get our license so we can start going places: to the mall, to the movies, or just cruising around.  We played basketball after church every Sunday, went on many outings like the beach and miniature golfing.  Our fellowship activities consisted of meeting at people’s houses from time to time, visiting other sister churches, and visiting convalescent homes.  We’d practice and put on musicals or drama skits at church.  We would participate in 24-hour relays at school as a team.  We’d go on many camping trips.  We had many sleepovers, and hangouts at our house.  We even went to San Francisco to feed the homeless at the shelter once during Thanksgiving.  We always looked forward to summer retreats because we could spend the whole weekend together.

But even with the loving brothers and sisters in this spiritual family, I felt lonely.  I was not very happy.  In fact, I felt depressed many times.  I kept to myself a lot.  I know there were a lot of friends who wanted to understand me, wanted me to open up to them, but I just found it difficult to do so.  I felt no one really understood me.  Everyone said I was very opposite from my oldest sister.  She was the outgoing, extroverted one.  I was very introverted and quiet.  

I remember many nights where I would lie awake, my twin sister sleeping in the bed next to me, and I would be thinking “now would be a good time to run away.”  I thought about climbing through the window, running to the nearest park or underpass where I would hide out and nobody would find me.   I wanted attention but didn’t feel like I got any.  When we went out at night with friends, I’d find things to attract attention, like walking on the railroad tracks or always walking last to see if anyone would notice I was not around.  And it was during this time I started to know more about God.  He wanted to have a personal relationship with me.

Church protected me from many dangers in the world…I wasn’t exposed to drugs, drinking, smoking.  Not much peer pressure because I knew my identity in Christ.  I am His beloved daughter and He is my loving father.  He takes care of me and I have nothing to worry about.  All I have to do is trust in Him.  I was very innocent and sheltered.

My testimony at this stage in life wasn’t too exciting.  I was lonely and God met me.  I thought it was a little boring.  There was no major event, so whenever I hear about other people’s story of how they came to believe in Christ, I applaud their testimony because it was so life-changing, especially from those people who came from non-Christian families.

But God was going to change all that when I went off to college.

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV)

Our Paths Were Destined

Our paths were destined to meet…

My first post was about being married to my non-Christian husband.  I received a lot of grief when we decided to be together, but many events in our lives, I think , were hints from God that He had planned for us to meet, for our lives to cross.  Whether we chose to be together or not, that was God giving us free-will.  (If you never watched “God’s not dead”, I highly recommend watching it.  It gave me better knowledge on how to refute Evolution [vs. Creation] and about free-will.)

Why were we destined to meet?  Because of our backgrounds:

1. When I attended UC Davis, I heard about Semester-at-Sea.  Not many people are aware of this program where college students are able to study abroad on a ship for one semester and see the world at the same time.  [You didn’t know either, did you?]  But I heard about this program and wanted to apply.  Never got the chance though because my parents would not have allowed it.  What I didn’t know was that my husband’s father worked on that vessel, as head of cabin crew.  He would often approach the Asian students and build friendships with them.  I’m sure we would have met if I went.
2. My husband’s sister moved to the bay area during the time we were here.  They owned a hotpot restaurant in Fremont at the very old Ranch 99 plaza off of Fremont Blvd.  During that time, there were not that many Asian plazas.  Our family actually went to that restaurant and his sister remembers meeting a family with twin sisters.  It could have been us.
3. My maternal grandfather loved playing mahjong.  I am aware that he often held mahjong games at his residence on Zhonghua Road near Taipei Botanical Garden.  My husband’s mom often played mahjong and frequently visited that area.  He remembers going to that neighborhood often with her but never stayed because he doesn’t like mahjong.  When he first met my grandfather, he said he looked familiar, like he’s seen him before.  Of course he was quite young at the time, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did meet.

When we first met and when I was contemplating whether to date him or not, I struggled a lot.  I sought counsel from some close friends.  One dear brother’s advice stuck to me,  he said “choosing your life-long companion is such an important decision that we need to strive to place God at the center of our desires and make sure that his desires are our desires. but we also need to acknowledge that God is in control… he doesn’t let us go far enough to let us screw up his plan… he is in control and he does what he knows is right. so feel assured that if God wants you both to be together, you can trust God will bring you both together.  God is in much greater control than we give him credit for.”

I agree I might not have heeded his advice to make God’s desire my desire, but I do not regret my decision.  I would like to think God already knew which way I would go and probably shook His head and sighed, but He still let me go that way, because He loves me and gives me a choice.  But He still has me walking in His plan.

In the end, we started dating and eventually got married.  (This is a story saved for another time.)

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. (Proverbs 16:9 ESV)

He knows my name

This is one of my favorite songs; I sing it all the time.  I first learned it in 1999:

I have a Maker, He formed my heart; Before even time began, my life was in His hands

I have a father, He calls me His own; He’ll never leave me no matter where I go

He knows my name, He knows my every thought

He sees each tear that falls and hears me when I call

 

Before even time began, my life was in His hands…

My parents use to tell us many stories about us growing up.  My mom told me they were only planning to have two children, so when they found out they were having twins, a nun had asked if she could have one of us.  I was the younger one.  But when she gave birth, they changed their mind.  My life would be very different if I ended up being a nun.

A memory my mom remembered well was when I was only a couple months old, one night I had a very difficult time breathing. My breath was shallow, and it seemed like I was gasping for air with every breath.  My parents didn’t know what was wrong especially since they didn’t do anything different between me and my twin sister.  It was late in the evening, so going to the doctor was not possible.  My dad said that having twins were by luck already, and having only one survive was not uncommon.  But my mom didn’t believe that.  That night she stayed by my side, checking to make sure I was still breathing…it was a long night I’m sure.  Morning finally came and a trip to the doctor told her that I had allergies to powdered milk.

We have a lot of family photos at home, and I’d look through them often.  Our family looked happy.  We lived in an apartment in Xizhi. I remember going to preschool, kindergarten, first grade.  At that time my dad started working overseas.  I still remember when we sent him off to the airport.  It was a very exciting day because everyone went to the airport to see him off.  I think we followed a couple months later to visit him, or so I thought.  Who knew…we “jumped ship”.  My mom brought my sisters and I with only 2 luggages and we landed in Los Angeles.  It was our first trip to America, and it was our last trip anywhere for 6 years.

In third grade I remember coming back home and finding both my parents at home.  Usually it’s just my mom at home but today was different.  My dad was home too, and actually, there were police officers at our house too.  Why?  Because we just got robbed.  I remember my dad saying he saw the robbers pulling out of our carport as they were driving up from running errands.  My dad saw what seemed like our pillow cases wrapping and covering things in the back of their trunk.  My mom was driving, so my dad actually got out of the car and tried to run after the robbers as they were driving away.  I remember the police officers telling my parents they were very fortunate because my sisters and I came home not long after.

We later moved to Foster City.   It was a quiet year, but I remember my parents telling us to sleep over at a friend’s house one day.  That sleepover turned out to be more than a week.  The kids had fun…we camped out in the family room, formed our own club – The lucky 7.  I didn’t know at that time what my parents were dealing with.  Now I know.  Foster City has about 45% Asian population in 2010 according to wikipedia, mostly Chinese I would assume.   But back in 1980s, the Asian population was small…so small that there was strong prejudism.  My parents received a note from someone in our neighborhood threatening us to move.  They said if we didn’t move, my parents would lose a daughter.  That week my dad had a police friend stay at our house while my parents spent all their time looking for a place to relocate us.  We finally moved and settled down.  It was the first time I actually stayed at a school longer than 2 years.

Growing up I didn’t like the change, I hated being the new kid at school, and I hated that we had to move so often.  But I now know why.  When we jumped ship that year, we became illegal immigrants.  We entered legally with visitor visas, but we just never went back.

I remember my parents being very low-key and protective of us.  We didn’t have a lot of possessions.  I remember moving and changing schools halfway in the school year during my 2nd grade.  When we moved up from Los Angeles to San Francisco, our belongings could fit in a used 2-door Ford Escort with the three of us sitting in the back.  We went to school, but always came home right afterwards.  We never participated in any school activities or played in any sports team.  We never had friends over at our house.   My parents tried to make ends meet living on my dad’s salary alone.  We didn’t have big meals, our dinner was always 2 dishes and a bowl of soup.  We were always well fed, but I’m sure my parents were never full.  We didn’t have a lot of new clothes or toys.  I remember  our toys were mostly second hand and from garage sales.  The new things I remember getting, I can count with my two hands: a barbie doll, a new bicycle, a musical clown my dad gave me for getting straight A’s in school.  Oh, there was also a panda I received for Christmas.  I saw the panda at Price Club (now Costco) and wanted it so badly.  I didn’t bring it home that day, but received it as a Christmas gift held at a friend’s house.  It was from “Santa” but I knew that it was from my parents.   I also remember holding a yard sale with a friend’s family.  At the end of the day, we just traded the toys that didn’t sell with each other.  I visited this aunty a couple years ago, and she remembered us always going to school with old, raggedy clothes.

Another thing I remember: my mom telling us one day that she’s going back to work.  I didn’t want her to go to work, but she said we needed the extra income though it was not much.  She graduated from National Taiwan Normal University, one of Taiwan’s elite higher education institutions, and was a teacher in Taiwan, but now the only work she could find here was assemble computers in a warehouse and getting paid under the table.   She always came home with cuts and bruises on her hands.  But we got our first computer from her workplace.  I don’t remember if they received any discount, but I’m sure my parents spent a lot of money to get us one.

One day, 6 years after coming to the US,  I saw my mom and older sister jumping up and down after talking to my dad on the phone.  My parents told us we are flying back to see our relatives again.  Through the US lottery system (Diversity Immigrant Visa Program) my parents apply to every year, we finally got picked and have greencards now and can stay in the US legally.  My parents no longer had to fear.

My parents love us and sacrificed a lot for us, to give us a good life and education here in the US.  How much more does this Heavenly Father, who created me, loves me?   These events all happened before I knew about God and Jesus, before I knew about my Maker.  His hands were protecting me, watching over me from the very beginning.

 

Know that the Lord, he is God! It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.  (Psalms 100:3 NIV)

 

So I married a nonbeliever…

So I married a nonbeliever…this is where my story starts.  Why is this such a big deal?  It shouldn’t be, but because of my background it became a big deal.

I grew up in a Chinese family and I grew up in a Christian home.  Being a Christian raised in a very traditional Chinese family, attending a very traditional Chinese church, the idea of going off and marrying a nonbeliever wasn’t accepted well with my family, both blood family and spiritual family.

When I broke the news to my family and friends that I met a nonbeliever and we are dating, the first reactions were “you shouldn’t be yolked with a nonbeliever…it’s a sin”.  To this day, I still find myself having to justify my actions from time to time.  And I have yet to receive understanding and support from my family.

There’s been many discussions to this verse from 2 Corinthians 6:14 “Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?”  Growing up with what I was taught from church, yes, I would think I have sinned.  I’ve struggled with this for many, many years.  In all honesty, I still don’t know the answer if I’ve sinned when we married, but I have reconciled with God and He has given me peace.

Sin is sin, there’s no big sin nor small sin.  Even a lie or an impure thought is a sin.  It doesn’t matter, what matters is that God is right there loving us, waiting for us to repent.  Whether marrying a nonbeliever is a sin or just unwise decision, I will find out one day when I ask God face to face.  For now, He has forgiven me and He loves me still, always will.

What makes it hard is receiving forgiveness from men, from friends I grew up with, from my family.  I’ve felt the negative sentiments and judgments, criticisms and condemnations.  And these are coming from fellow Christians, and I use to think like them.  I’ve judged friends who dated nonbelievers, those who left the church, those who divorced, thinking they weren’t being very good Christians.   But through my own experience, I am ever so grateful for His mercy and grace.  I now empathize with these people who feel the church let them down, who feel like outcasts.  Men will disappoint us, but God will not.

I find myself having a hard time stepping back into my home church, or any church.  I remember listening on KLOVE once where a lady had a hard time going back to church because she feels “broken”, and people at church are “fixed”.  She feels that she has too many problems and failures in her life that she doesn’t belong in church where everyone’s lives are smooth, unblemished.  I guess that’s how I feel at times…my testimony isn’t all that glorious anymore.

But God’s given me a  better understanding  about my belief, and about the love He has for everyone, believers or not.  What I was taught about Christianity is very different from the Christianity I have come to understand.  I hope to share more as I blog.  For now, just this one thing:  there is no sin or failure so ugly and undeserving that God’s not willing to forgive.  This is what the Gospel is about…this is authentic Christianity.

GOD DOES NOT REGRET SAVING YOU.  THERE IS NO SIN WHICH YOU COMMIT WHICH IS BEYOND THE CROSS OF CHRIST.  – MATT CHANDLER-

23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. (Romans 3:23-24 NIV)